Pan Labyrinth
by Bite The Dust
Summary: Everyone's favorite thieves plan to steal the recipe of one of the most famous foods in Japan, Ja-Pan #44, which is said to send whoever eats it to heaven and back again... But when they come face-to-face with sword-toting, weight-lifting bakers, do they have any hope of succeeding?


"Man, you've plotted to nab some really dumb shit in the past, but this is a new level of just plain weird, even for you."

"I concur. This is a rather odd target."

Arsene Lupin III, Jigen Daisuke, and Geomon Ishikawa XIII sat around a table in a Tokyo hotel room, looking over plans for their latest heist. It wasn't much of a plan, really, just "go in and get it"- what they were after had, for the most part, no risk involved in stealing it. No security system, no bulletproof glass, no lasers, nothing.

"Jigen, Goemon... _Guys_. You just don't _understand_. Here, read this." Lupin smiled reassuringly at his friends and shoved a newspaper at them, pointing to a specific article.

They ignored it.

"Yeah, sure, whatever... But a recipe? You're joking right?"

"Indeed. What's the point? It isn't like we could sell it for any large sum. None of us can cook all that well, and I'm sure Fujiko enjoys fine dining, but..."

"Shut up and read the damn paper." He shoved it at them harder.

Jigen sighed, taking the proffered paper. He tipped his hat back and began skimming the article, an uninterested look still on his face. "Blah blah, bread tournament..." He began mumbling, his voice dripping with sarcasm. "Excuse me? A bread what?" Goemon interjected, attempting to read over the gunman's shoulder. "Yeah, I dunno, either... Blah blah, tasting, ho-hum... Huh?"His eyes widened, and he began reading with much more interest.

"What? I can't read it from here!" The samurai complained, reaching for the paper. "Here, man, read this part." Jigen handed it to him, pointing to a specific line.

Lupin just sat and smiled. "I told you so~"

He began reading aloud.

"'This past week, during the Pantasia Newcomer's Tournament, there was quite an uproar over the second semifinals match. After tasting one of the participant's breads, both judges fell unconscious for approximately one hour, awakening soon after they had been pronounced dead on site by emergency personnel. Both judges claim that they had died and gone to heaven.'" He frowned at the paper, setting it aside. "How strange..."

Lupin began vibrating with energy. "I know, right!? I wanna try it so bad!"

Goemon blinked at him. "I meant that it was strange that, first of all, that this newspaper is from over a year ago, and second, that such an obviously fake story was printed by such a normally reputable paper."

"What the hell are you doing, reading old Japanese newspapers?" Jigen pulled a cigarette out and lit it. "But yeah man, you can't honestly think this is real."

"Did you not read the article at all!? It's not like it's some little crappy company is trying to fool some tabloid. You said it yourself, Goemon, this is a good paper. And the Azusagawa Corporation is one of the biggest and most successful companies in Japan right now! _We're staying in one of their hotels!_"

"Then rob some of their damn vaults instead of trying to lift a damn recipe." The gunman blew smoke rings at his friend.

He continued on, undeterred. "And the judges are trustworthy, too- one is a goddamn Harvard Graduate!"

"You know just as well as I do that suits lie just as much as the rest of us." More smoke rings.

"Not so fast, Jigen..." Goemon spoke up. "He does have a point. What would they gain telling such a story?"

"Publicity, meaning more money. Corporations are always up to the gills in greedy bastards. And furthermore... Waaaaaait a minute, you just want to try it too, don't you! God dammit, Goemon!"

The samurai blushed. "F-For purely philosophical reasons, I assure you."

"Oh _come on_, you two don't really believe this crap, do you!?"

Lupin got up and put his arm around Goemon's shoulders and turned to his complaining companion. "Well, Jigen, ol' buddy ol' pal, looks like it's two to one. You coming along or not?"

The gunman sighed and put out his cigarette. "Fine. But when I'm proven right you're getting me a bottle of the best scotch money can buy."

"Hell, pal, if I'm wrong, I'll buy two bottles, 'cause I'll need to get wasted, too."

* * *

They decided that mid-morning was the best time to pull off their heist, all the employees would be hard at work by then.

"Uwaaah! What a cute building!" The eccentric thief exclaimed, clasping his hands together in front of him.

"Indeed. The architecture well represents the atmosphere of the work that goes on inside."

"Will you weirdos quit babbling on so we can hurry up and get out of here? I've got a bad feeling about this all of a sudden." Jigen made a half-smoked cigarette appear from somewhere on his person, as well as a lighter.

"Weren't you the one who was all like '_you guuuuuys it's just a dumb recipe what's the big deeeeaaaaal~'." _Lupin made a whiny and completely silly impression of his friend, pulling out his lock-picking tools and leading his accomplices into the alley behind the building.

It smelled of rot and mold. Jigen put his cigarette back out. "Jesus, you think they'd pick up the garbage more often at a place like this."

"However unpleasant it may be, this smell is good for us. It means no one's going to come back here while we work." Goemon said, holding his nose.

Jigen crunched his cig between his fingers angrily while Lupin worked on the back door. "No one expects anybody to steal from a _bakery_ in the first pla-_"_

"Done! Let's go guys." Lupin put his kit away and opened the door, looking around inside.

The cigarette was thrown on one of the many piles of garbage. "Are you sure I still can't talk you guys out of this?"

"Come _on _Jigen! Let's _goooooooooo_-"

"Alright, Jesus, just stop whining!"

They went in.

* * *

It was quiet, of course, since everyone was working in their own little special workshops- "That's pretty neat!" "Waste of space." "How efficient."

"There's an office in the far corner of this floor where they keep recipe books and spending reports and stuff. As long as we're quiet we shouldn't run into any troub-"

Lupin's whispered instructions were cut off when they rounded a corner and came face to face with an employee holding a tray full of fresh baked bread.

They stared at him.

He stared back, blinking at them under his bandanna.

They stood that way for a couple moments, sizing each other up.

Lupin was the first to end the stand-off, scratching the back of his head sheepishly. "H-Hey there... That smells really good!"

The man gave them a wary look and replied, "... Thank you."

Lupin gave him a blinding smile, and he turned to put the tray he was holding on a nearby cart.

"Lupin! Jigen! _Get back_!" Goemon suddenly shouted, jumping in front of his friends and pushing them back in one smooth motion.

The familiar sound of metal on metal was heard, and the remaining two thieves gaped at their friend, who had drawn his Zantetsuken-

To combat the _drawn katana of the _baker _that was now attacking them._

"_What the fuck!?_" Jigen shouted.

"Run, that's what!" Lupin shouted back, grabbing his friend and taking off down the hallway.

The baker shouted something after them, but the blood was pounding in their ears and they couldn't make out what it was.

They sprinted down hallways, now lost.

"Now what" _huff_ "do we do" _huff_ "Einstein?" Jigen drew his Magnum, which he had brought more for security than for actually using, but seeing as there was a _fucking samurai_ working here he didn't know what to expect anymore.

"I don't" _huff_ "know." _huff_ "Gimme a sec."

But there were no secs to be had, as a long, muscular arm shot out of an adjoining hallway, effectively clothes-lining the tired gunman.

Lupin ran for a couple more steps before hearing his friend gag, when he stopped and turned.

His companion was gone.

"... Jigen?" He called out.

No answer.

"... Gooooemooon?"

Silence.

Then he heard a sound like that of a cantaloupe being dropped on a concrete floor, and everything went dark.

* * *

He woke up in indeterminate amount of time later with a screaming headache, apparently tied to a chair.

He looked around to see that not only had his companions suffered similar fates, but that they were surrounded by people in a huge room.

"Ah! He's awake!" Said a kid that didn't look much older than twelve. Was he wearing a girl's hairband?

"'Bout time. He's been out forever." Said a great big guy with an afro.

"I really didn't think I hit him that hard, honest!" Said a fidgeting white girl who was... She was...

... Really hot, actually.

"Well, sweetheart..." He crooned, "... If you feel that bad about it, you can just come on over here and kiss it be- OW _SON OF A BITCH_ THAT _HURTS_!"

He swiveled his head around to see the samurai from earlier had slapped his new, growing soft spot on the back of his head. He looked rather satisfied.

"Don't _do that_!" The thief shouted, "I'm probably _concussed_! I should _sue_!"

"We tried to rob them first." Goemon said at his side.

The white girl with the pigtails from before walked over to him, seemingly genuinely concerned for his well being. "You want some aspirin or something?"

He pouted for effect. "Yes, that would be very nice, thank you. I would be _very_ grateful if you could get this _psychopath_ away from me, too."

Said psychopath growled behind him.

She frowned at him. "He's just wound-up from his big fight still. Stop hitting on me and he'll stop hitting on you." She pouted at the psycho. "Kai, play nice."

The psycho growled again, but said "Fine."

She gave a sweet smile, and he could see both samurai begin to blush, his and theirs.

Jigen decided to finally speak up, his voice gravelly from the injury he suffered earlier. "So none of these guys can deal with women, not just ours? Good to know- we thought there might have been something wrong with him."

"Hey!" They both said. The entire room laughed.

"Since you've apparently bonded with them, Monica-san, I'll go and fetch some aspirin from the infirmary." Said another kid, this one with pink hair and a labcoat. What a fruit.

"Thanks!" She called after him as he left.

"So your name's Monica, huh?" The thief flashed another thousand-watter, "Beautiful name for a beautiful la- OW _FUCKING STOP IT_!"

"I warned you..." She sighed, and went to go look at something in the kitchen part of the room they were in, right now they were in a pantry part.

There was a great smell coming from said kitchen, now that he thought about it. He sniffed the air a bit.

"Uwaaaah... That smells so good..." So much so, that he started to drool.

"Yeah, now he notices." Jigen had somehow managed to pull out and light a cigarette while remaining tied u- wait.

"Why aren't you tied up!?" Lupin shouted at him.

"You were the only one that was tied up to begin with, Lupin." Goemon stood from his seat to prove his point.

"_What_? Why!?"

"Because it was your idea to rob them in the first place, dumbass." The gunman took a long drag, just as the pink kid came back with aspirin.

The kid gagged.

"Please, please, _please_ put that out, for the love of God."

He complied. "What, you allergic or somethin'?"

"No, it just... Brings back some bad memories is all. Here" He popped two aspirin in Lupin's mouth and he swallowed them dry and murmured his thanks.

"Wait a second, then what are you guys even doing here if you weren't captured?!"

Jigen shrugged. "I was hungry."

Goemon shot a... Weird look to the guy still standing behind him. "Respect for a fellow warrior."

According to the faces of everyone else in the room, the other guy was giving an equally gross look back to his friend.

"God, you two, get a room." Jigen flipped his lighter on and off, fidgeting, craving a smoke.

Goemon frowned at him, and the weird baker-samurai then left his position behind his chair to follow Monica into the kitchen. As soon as he was out of earshot, the room gave a collective sigh.

A blonde with a buzzcut he hadn't noticed before walked up to the thief and began untying his ropes. "Sorry about him, he's not the most clever when it comes to, err... Interacting with other human beings. He's actually a big fan of yours, but he got all pissy and protective when you started flirting with his girl."

"A fan? Of mine?" The ropes fell and the thief stood, clasping his hands together. "Why I'm flatt- Wait, _his_ girl? Did I hear that right? That honey and that psycho?"

The blonde nodded. "Mhmm. They're getting married this year."

"Aw, dammit. The good ones are always taken, huh?"

The blonde shot him a look that said he knew exactly what he was talking about, but didn't say anything.

"So, uh... I'm guessing that awesome smell is bread baking, huh?"

"Oh, boy, give the man a medal!" Jigen smirked, fingering the cigarette he put out.

"Indeed. And it's all for us." Goemon smiled, putting a hand on his friend's shoulder.

"Woah, really!" He looked around at the multiple bakers still surrounding him, and they were all smiling.

The kid with the girl's accessory spoke up again, "Mhmm! Your friends told us about why you snuck in here, and we decided to help you out. You could have just asked, you know?"

The thief blinked at him. "No way..."

"Uh-huh! Suwabara may be a step above the rest of us, but we're all your fans!" The kid gave him a big smile.

"Aw, dammit..." He sulked, but then Monica popped her head back in and sad "The last batch is ready!" And he perked up again.

The three thieves hurried into the kitchen to find a huge island counter piled high with fresh-baked bread.

"Ooooh..."

"Hot damn."

"Impressive."

The bakers, excited as always that someone was impressed with their work, began pointing at and naming all their creations- of which there were multiples of each, at least one for all of them.

"Mama's Rye!"

"Pan au Algue."

"Victory!"

"Ja-Pan #44!"

Lupin's head pop up, recognizing the name. "I don't know about any of this other funny-named stuff, but that's the one that can send you to heaven, right?"

They nodded.

"That shit doesn't actually work, right?" Jigen asked, screwing around with his lighter again.

"To a judge like Kuroyan or Dave it does, because they're sensitive to that kind of thing..." Said the blonde, "... But, on guys like you? I wouldn't count on it."

Lupin and Goemon sulked, and Jigen laughed. "Yes! You owe me booze, you bastards!"

Monica piped up, "Anyway, if you think those are funny names..." She pointed to some particularly beautiful pieces that had caught Lupin's eye, that were shaped like crowns with fruit for gems. "This is called Lu-" Their samurai put his hand over her mouth, his face red, and all the bakers, who were also in on the joke, apparently, laughed, including the girl.

The blonde spoke up again, the samurai sputtering embarrassed protests. "It's called Lu-pan #1... Suwa-chan's bread. He named it after you because he 'takes' a whole bunch of different techniques from all over the world."

The samurai appeared to be attempting to become invisible. Lupin, however, was beaming, and said to him, "That's so cool! Man, I'll have to eat that one first."

He ceased his attempted invisibility, but his face was still red. "Th-Thank you..."

The blonde smirked. "We told you he was a big fan."

Soon- too soon, it seemed- they had all the bread packed up in boxes and big plastic bags and the thieves were being kicked out.

"I mean, it seems kinda rude, but you did try to rob us..."

"And we have more work to do."

"Make sure to come visit the next time you're in Tokyo!"

"And come through the _front_ door next time!"

"No promises!" They called back, heading out of sight and in the direction of their hotel room.

* * *

When they got there, someone was waiting for them.

"You guuuys..." Fujiko whined, "You went on a job without telling me?"

Lupin smiled at her. "It was just kind of a heat-of-the-moment thing."

"Well... It doesn't matter." She walked over to the thief, put her hands on his chest, and purred seductively, "But you _are_ going to share your haul with me, right~?"

"Sure, baby, anything for you~."

Jigen and Goemon gave each other disgusted looks behind their backs, putting their bags down and getting out boxes to try.

She gave them a curious look, "What _is_ that, anyway?"

"Bread." They responded.

"_What_!?" She shrieked, outraged, for some reason.

"Did we stutter?" Jigen snapped, lighting his cigarette again.

"It's some of the best bread in the whole world- quite literally, in fact- some of it has won world-level competitions." Goemon pulled out a box at random.

Lupin searched through his bag, bringing out one of the bigger boxes, and pulling out the yummy looking crown-shaped bread. "Aaah, Lu-pan #1, come to papa!" He opened his mouth to take a bite and-

"Oh! That's cute, can I have some?" Fujiko began reaching for it.

He glared at her for a moment, snapped his mouth closed, and scurried away. "_NO!_"

She looked outraged again. Jigen and Goemon burst out laughing. "_What do you mean 'no'!?_"

"I mean _no_. It's _mine_, it's _named_ after me, was made _special_ for me, and given to me _special by the guy who invented it_. It's truly, and completely, all _mine_. And _you can't have any of it_."

She stomped out of the hotel room in a huff, slamming the door. Lupin took a big bite of his prize.

"Oh, maaaan... You guys this is sooo gooood... Have you tried it yet?"

"No, boss, you need to try this lumpy thing. It's kind of salty and has a crunch on the outside and holy _shit_ is this good..."

"I'm rather enjoying this big one, it's tangy and sweet and a plethora of other flavors..."

"What was this one called again?"

Their night was spent in that fashion, trying and tasting delicious food, drinking Jigen's reward and thoroughly enjoying themselves. They fell asleep, full and happy and still with plenty of bread left, planning the next heist of the Pantasia main branch.


End file.
